OFF: For Operator Assistance

[DFrost8547 at AOL.COM]

For Service, Call Someone Who Cares

Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us and, we're
sure, to all of mankind. If you would like to challenge my sincerity, press
1.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly, you are not
helping the situation. All of our assistant associate representatives are
presently assisting themselves to a cigarette and associating with a jelly
doughnut, so for more efficient routing of your call, please select from the
following menu:

For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears, press 3.
For
a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such as having the president
make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.

If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to complain
about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish upon a star, makes
no difference who you are, press -- what else? -- the star key.

To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound your problem
makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.

To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If you are
suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee Williams' fatal
shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car-and-truck chase scenes, press
19.

To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of the
laundromat.
If you wish to access your files, punch in the 14-digit number that appears
on
the bottom of any can of creamed corn.

For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving, press 45.

If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred interview
conducted by Sesame Street's Big Bird and Cookie Monster, press 91.

For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that will never
come up but we wish would, like a speeding locomotive crashing into a huge
chocolate mousse shaped like a Greyhound bus, press 22.

If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare time by
kicking butt and taking names, press 18.

To inquire as to why people don't name their babies ``Felix'' anymore, press
73.

If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and you wish
to
confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons, prepare to burn in hell.

To report a discrepacy between the way you planned your life and the way it
is
turning out, press 86.

If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish to join the
Pal Club, press 55.

For a list of hip phrases to shout when you're shooting dice so you don't
have
to keep using the one about infant requiring new footwear, press 93.

To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25. If you
would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a pizza, press 26.

If you have always wondered why the bad guys, after their bullets bounced off
Superman's chest, always hurled their guns at the Man of Steel instead of
profusely apologizing or saying with a huge grin, ``See, heh-heh, it's just a
toy gun,'' press 46.

If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not press your
luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend. You have come too
far. There is no turning back. You can only press on.