OFF: Things to come

[Mike Parkington]

 ------- Forwarded Message

      Nov 28, 1995:  Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach
      house at last.  Finally, we live in the smartest house in the
      neighborhood.  Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected to
      our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is
      connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security
      system.  Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest
      interface I've ever used.  Programming is a snap.  I'm like, totally
      wired.

      Nov 30:  Hot Stuff!  Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
      thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked
      the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I
      arrived.  Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.

      Dec 1:  Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
      problems.  The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on
      the phone.  They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
      compression algorithms.  How do they expect me to order things from
      the Home Shopping Channel?

      Dec 8:  Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
      surprised.  I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
      washing machine interface when I'm not here.  She must be downloading one
      hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were
      through the roof on the invoice.

      Dec 3:  Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED.  Freak event.  As I opened the
      refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything else
      electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.

      Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances.  Nothing.  Call the
      cable company (but not from the kitchen phone).  They refer me to the
      utility.  The utility insists that the problem is in the software.

      So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house
      processor.  Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault.
      I don't care, I just want my kitchen back.  More phone calls; more remote
      diag's.  Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode":  The
      network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was
      open.  So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and
      shut down the entire kitchen.  But because sensor memory confirmed that
      there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was
      confused and it couldn't do a standard restart.  The utility guy swears
      this was the first time this has ever happened.  Rebooting the kitchen
      took over an hour.

      Dec 7:  The police are not happy.  Our house keeps calling them for
      help.  We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
      decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
      when they hit the window.  When these vibrations mix with a gust of
      wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
      concludes that someone is trying to break in.  Go figure.  Another
      glitch:  Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
      universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.  That
      means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by
      hand.  The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in
      the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1.  But it's not ready yet. Finally, I'm
      starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
      into the cable system to watch Bay Watch.  The unit is completely
      inoperable during that same hour.  I guess I can live with that.  At
      least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.

      Dec 9:  I just bought the new Microsoft Home.  Took 93 gigabytes of
      storage, but it will be worth it, I think.  The house should be much
      easier to use and should really do everything.  I had to sign a second
      mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind:  I don't really own my
      house now--it's really the bank.  Let them deal with Microsoft.

      Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House.  I keep
      getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the
      dishwasher.

      Dec 12:  This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house.  My
      personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
      network.  I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
      windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
      washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling
      up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel.
      Through-out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they
      explode from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere.  Of course, the
      security sensors detect nothing.  I look at a message slowly throbing on
      my personal computer screen:  WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!!  NOW
      THE FUN BEGINS ...  (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the
      HomeWrecker...).

      Dec 18:  They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
      place is a shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
      we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless,
      the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
      themselves) are confident the worst is over.  "HomeWrecker is pretty
      bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
      PolterGeist. That one is really evil."

      Dec 19:  Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.  "Fires and
      mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster.  "Viruses, no."  My agreement
      with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims
      and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my
      house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
      service.  Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to
      anticipate every virus that might be created.  We call our lawyer.  He
      laughs.  He's excited!

      Dec 21:  I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special
      holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for
      the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to
      meet the programmers personally.  "Sure," I tell him.