HW: Hawkwind

[M Holmes]

Stephen Swann writes:

> Chris Bates writes:
> >
> > Doug (no relation) Bates forwarded from Robert Godwin:
> >
> > > and both will be released simultaneously in the UK and the USA. (Active are
> > > doing them in the UK. Release date is set for late August.)
> >
> > And who, pary, is going to explain this one to my bank manager?
>
> Don't try to explain to it to him, he'll only become agitated.  Do
> what I did - drop him a note assuring him that all is well, and that
> the very *small* and eminently *managable* balance of debt (disregard
> his silly hyperbole in refering to it as "enormous" and "bankrupting")
> which is disturbing his digestion will be remedied *post haste*.
> Assuming that you get your job back, of course.  And that no new
> Hawkwind albums come out.  Ignore his pleading/threatening letters;
> they're very undignified from a man of his position.  If he calls,
> pretend to be a worker in a Chinese laundromat.

Dear Mr. Swann,

Thank you most kindly for the tape you sent by the band "Hawkwind". My
teenage daughter found it most interesting. Thank you also for your
concern with my digestive problems. My consultant has advised that I
will feel much better when I exert more control over my professional
life and deal with our more difficult customers in a more assertive manner.

Which brings me to the matter of your reply to my letter of the 5th
instance.  While I do understand that your duties as a "Net Consultant"
currently require that you spend all your waking hours in the laboratory, I
really must insist that you come in for a chat.

Your description of a three thousand Dollar overdraft as "trivial" has
disturbed us greatly. Might I suggest that your income from the Chinese
Laundromat is unlikely to clear this in the forseeable future and that
the bank would be most happy to also have your consulting fees paid into
your account by electronic transfer.

We are also concerned at the continued flow of cheques presented to us
by businesses which would appear to be mail order distributors of modern
music. We regard it as a worrying escalation that some of these outlets
have addresses in Great Britain. While I can assure you that we will
continue to be of service in handling your banking needs, I must impress
upon you that our relationship might be greatly improved were the flow
of income to actually exceed the outward flow of expenditure. I'm afraid
that when we used the advertising slogan "You can have anything in life
you want: NOW!" a trip to several outdoor parties in Europe was not what
we had in mind.

We also called your office at "Acme Rocket Company" and were disturbed to
discover that not only were you not on the payroll, but that they had in
fact never heard of you.  I don't have to be a rocket scientist, if
you'll pardon the expression, for the suspicion to dawn upon me that you
have perhaps exaggerated your professional credentials and that your
employment in the Chinese Laundry is in fact for more prosaic reasons
than "Showing solidarity with downtrodden Tibetan exiles". While this is
undoubtedly a most worthy cause, I really must point out that we are a
bank and not in fact a charity.

Finally, regarding your request for ten thousand Dollars as a Business
Start Loan for your "Entertainment Promotion" business, I'm afraid that
we must refuse on the grounds that "A copy of the Sonic Attack single in
the cloth bag" is not really regarded as adequate security for the loan.
We also note, with some suspicion, that a Mr. Smith, acting as agent for
"Hawkwind" has already requested a bank draft drawn against your
account. I really must advise that you seek professional help concerning
this obsession.

Yours faithfully

H.M.Ponsonby
Manager
Squeezem 'til They Squeak Banking Corporation