OFF: The Darwin files

[M Holmes]

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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Paging Mr. Chuck Darwin
Date: 12 Mar 1996 18:36:51 -0600

I am astonished-- nay, I am _boggled_!
It seems our patron Darwin may indeed be asleep at the celestial
switchboard, because this afternoon, I saw what will probably go down
in my books as the dumbest fucking thing of 1996(*) go completely
unpunished.

A number of us humble students decided, over lunch, to run some
collective errands and finish up with lunch at a relatively cheap
all-you-can-eat buffet.  In the process of running hither and yon, we
found ourselves on a highway right near the Industrial Spur.  It's
called the Industrial Spur because it's an area that sees a whole
shitload of heavy, industrial-type traffic.

We see several cars slow down ahead of us.  For a moment, the cause is
unknown, until we approach closer.  Then, we see the difficulty-- some
incredible fuckmunch was deliberately taking his car from the opposite
side of the highway over the median and into what was for him a lane
of oncoming traffic.

Horns ensued from other drivers.  Our driver was largely too stunned
to join in the chorus, as his jaw was sitting in his lap at such a
vision of sheer stupidity.  He passed us, and then we saw where he was
going-- he was heading, through oncoming traffic on a major highway,
to an off-ramp.

The astute, if they are familiar with the generalized Illinois highway
set-up, will probably already have realized the flaw with this plan.
We in the car had already spotted this one, and had in fact pulled
over onto the shoulder of the highway, making eager comments to the
effect of, "Oh, this is gonna be _good_!"

The problem, of course, is that what seemed an off-ramp to this inbred
refugee from a British dingleberry plantation was in fact an on-ramp
for those of us cognizant enough to drive on the proper side of the
road.  Further, as already noted, this area had a good amount of
industrial-type traffic, like trailers and double trailers loaded with
Heavy Things.  And to top it off, geography had blessed this
particular on-ramp with something of a blind-curve quality.

We were eagerly awaiting the frantic bleat of semi horn as it saw said
puss-lapper coming at him in the wrong lane, all but cheering what we
hoped was the inevitable.

But alas, no, 'twere not to be.  No chance to skip my afternoon duties
at the police station giving witness, "Yes, officer, honest to God,
this moron just..."  No chance to see a moron removed brutally from
the gene pool.  No nothin'.  He hopped another median, and went on
with his driving.

Darwin, Darwin, why hast thou forsaken us?!

*       Dumbest thing I personally witnessed, anyway.  Politics
remains not only dumber than I imagine, but dumber than I _can_
imagine.
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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Darwin outsmarted by a cheesehead Was: DIY Darwin
Date: 23 Jan 1996 19:44:55 GMT

Recent posts about auto-Darwinisms have reminded me of "the one that
got away" so to speak. Seems a Packers fan was returning home after a
game in his small GA aircraft and had a problem of sufficient import
to cause it to reset to lawn dart mode. Faced with the impending
tussle with Terra firma, said cheesehead tried to protect himself with
whatever was at hand, namely a cheesehead.

Now for those blessed enough to be unacquainted with Wisconsin culture,
a cheesehead is a hat-size piece of yellow foam cut in the shape of a
wedge of cheese, worn apparently with some sense of misguided
pride. Go figger.

Anyway our hero valiantly dons his cheesehead in the face of great
peril...

And survives. Saved, say officials at the scene, by the cheesehead.
Justice is indeed an illusion.

GT
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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
From: pls9235 at osfmail.isc.rit.edu (STEPPIC)
Date: 13 Nov 1995 18:51:19 GMT

* In September, Mr. Robert Kevin Brown, 31, passed away after
his truck plunged into a ravine alongside I-95 in Price William
County, Va.  According to Virginia State Police, Brown had
been dissatisfied that traffic, at 55 mph, was moving too slowly
for his taste and so leaned out his window to make a gesture to
another driver, which caused him to lose control of his vehicle.
[Washington Post, 9-21-95]
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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
From: mkl at victoria.pe.net (Michael Lerch)
Date: 13 Nov 1995 13:46:01 -0800

Connecticut
                MAN WOUNDS HIMSELF WHILE SHOWING OFF GUN

  An 18-year-old man accidentally shot himself in the genitals when he
tried to show his girlfriend the sawed-off shotgun in his pants.

  Kevin hall was treated at a hospital for a cut and powder burns.
Bridgeport police then arrested him on several charges, including
possession of a sawed-off shotgun.

  Police were called to the scene Friday after someone reported a
shooting on a street corner.  When they arrived, they found Hall lying on
the ground clutching his groin.  His pants, which had a large hole, were
still smoking.

  Hall told police he was the victim of a drive-by shooting.  But his
girlfriend said Hall was showing her the gun he had in his pants when the
weapon went off.

  Hall also was arrested on suspicion of reckless endangerment and
illegal discharge of a firearm.
                                                From news services
**********
This is how it appeared in this morning's paper--so good it doesn't
require editing or comment.  Well, one:  I guess he was really glad to
see her.
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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Natural Selection again demonstrated
Date: 22 Jan 1996 19:32:41 GMT

Just heard a news report from Chicago.

It seems a man from the south side was playing a game of Russian
Roulette with a .38 revolver.  Well, he lost, and the police were
called in to remove his dead body.

When they examined the gun, they found five live rounds and one spent
casing.  The Tribune said that police calculated from this that his
odds of losing were 100%.

Guess somebody forgot to sufficiently clarify the rules for him.
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Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Nice try Darwin
Date: Wed, 13 Mar 1996 11:35:26 -0800
Organization: Grumpy is good


And lo, it has been raining once again in southern California.  And it
came to pass that the rain did fall on the mountains, and did run down
the mountains, and did collect in the creeks.  And the rain did fall
on the streets, and collect in the gutters, and fall into the sewers.

And the sewers and creeks did merge, and they did become a river.

And lo, whilst the water was collecting and merging, someone did go to
the LA River with his truck, and did commence to shovel gravel into
the truck bed.

And lo, the river did become a mighty torrent, and the man was washed out
to sea.

And lo, the rescue people did save him.  But there's a nice picture on the
morning news of his truck being washed down the river.

- heck

(Quote from the fellow, "Well, I get gravel like this all the time without
any problems...")
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