Sex Talk

[Jerry]

They love it when you do, they love it when you don't
You love it when she will, sod it if she won't

The Language Of Love
what they say, and what they mean


Before...

I love it when you do that
      - That's the least obnoxious thing you can do for me without dying
Not here, darling
      - This is England
Not there, darling
      - That's the hot water bottle
You're a wonderful man
      - You're ugly, I'm desperate
You've got a sexy nose
      - It looks like a dildo
Your kisses torment me
      - You've got a bad breath
Your lips are like petals
      - Bycicle petals
Your cheeks are like peaches
      - Football peaches
I love you
      - You're playing hard to get
Do you love me?
      - Are you drunk?
Do you truly love me?
      - I've been two-timing you
Do you really love me?
      - Mummy says you're a transvestite
Do you really really love me?
      - I wonder if I could have a fur coat?
Do you think we should?
      - Are you on the Pill?
Is it safe?
      - Where's your husband?
You really must make your mind up soon
      - We can't hang around this motel park all night
I'll hate myself in the morning
      - I'll hate you in the morning


During...

You're incredible
      - I don't believe a word you say
I've never felt like this before
      - God, I've been lucky
I don't think I've ever felt like this before
      - I think I'm pregnant
Isn't love wonderful?
      - How did we get into this position?
I think I could stay like this forever
      - How do we get out of this position?
Please don't stop
      - Go home
You make me feel so young
      - Christ, you look old
I'm in love
      - I'm in, love
Oh!
      - I'm stuck
Whoops!
      That's torn it
Gnumpf?
      Can you move your foot?
Gnuypf?
      Can you move my foot?
Agh! Please don't move
      - I've got pins and needles
Agh! Please please don't move
      - I feel a premature ejaculation coming on
You haven't, have you?
      - You have, haven't you?
Not so (gulp) hard, darling
      - You're hurting my tonsils


After...

Well, are you going to ask me to marry you?
      - Or shall I tell daddy to fire you?
You were made for me
      - Probably on a Friday afternoon
You can make love superbly
      - So why didn't you?
I'll never find another you
      No one could be that unlucky
Can we get married soon now?
      - My wedding dress has started to go green
I don't regret a minute
      - It's all those wasted years that really annoy me
Do you still love me, darling?
      - Have you been seeing that bloody barmaid again?
I'll ring you
      I never want to see you again
I've had a wonderful time
      - But this wasn't it
Did you feel the earth move?
      - Or was your dog under the bed again?
There's one thing I meant to ask
      - I'd like my money back, please
Don't ever change
      - A barmaid's hiding in the wardrobe
Is that it?
      - I must remember to buy some mushrooms
Darling...
      I'm pregnant
I could lie here all day
      - Don't you think it's time you got up and made some tea?


Jerry