HW/OFF: Soft Themes For Root Canal vol 1 & 2

[c mumford]

...so this one guy at work is heading to the denists' for an emergency root
canal and needs to bring some tunes along for the 2 hour ride, and I have a
discman laying around and a few CDs... "something mellow, to take my mind
off the whole thing" he says. "I gotta run now so just pick something
fast". I sift through the individual discs I have tossed into a jewel case
with no tray... "you definetly don't want the Gwar one", I tell him.
"Unless you want to imagine being pummeled by a gargantuan metal penis
drill by Phallus Maximus and Techno Destructo in the slavepits of Gwar in
the dentist's chair from Hell". "No, I don't want to be pummeled by a
gargantuan metal penis drill by Phallus Maximus and Techno Destructo in the
slavepits of Gwar in the dentist's chair from Hell" he says, with a tinge
of dread in his voice.  The ones left that vaguely fit his therapeutically
soothing needs are Alan Davey's "Captured Rotation" and Soft Machine's
"Third". I tell him the former is pretty spacey psychedelia with some
catchy punkrock elements as well, but mostly mellow stuff. At least pretty
accesible. "Do you like jazz?" I ask. "Yeah" he says. "Well, this is sort
of, um, spacey jazzy experimentation I guess. Soft Machine. I mean, it's
sorta rock, but not so-called 'fusion'." I attempt to inform him. "Fusion
is horrible, just anal musicians jerking off whenever they get the
spotlight. But I like jazz, yeah. Coltrane, Davis..." he says. "Well, Soft
Machine turned fusion, but this from their "good" period. Lots of
interesting improv and long stretches of meditative soundscapes. More jazz
than rock I guess. You'll like it." I hand the goods over.  He leaves,
happy to bring something to soothe the terror of having a root canal.

Next morning he appears, and happily expecting having turned someone on to
some of my fave music, I ask how it went. "What the fuck man!? Two full
hours of demented dentist's drills and screaming voices! Totally psycho!
I'm traumatized for life! One track sounded like a busted coffee machine
being attacked by a gigantic drill." he exclaims aggressively. I am taken
back, surprised. "My, I always could chill out to the Soft Machine... the
Alan Davey one too? Really? Are you serious??" I ask. "Even worse, it was
like a million dentist's drills going in the background! Freaked me out
man! You are an evil man!"

Some time later I get the discs back. I decide to investigate. I can't
listen to either of these without cracking up laughing, at least for a
couple of days now. He's right. Damn. I giggle my way through about five
frames of attempts of filling in the colors of some stupid character
walking for a cartoon, to the sounds of Soft Machine. I can't do it, I am
losing it, the simplest, most monotonous mouse-clicking routine has become
a chaotic ritual of insanity and associative madness bordering on primal
subconcious fears accompanied by demented giggles. The first few minutes of
Third is a nightmarish dental workout, the rest of the album has the crazed
invisible dentist reappearing whenever my mind finally starts drifting. I
think of Dustin Hoffman in that movie being tortured by the evil nazi
dentist... I change discs. The spacy Hawkwind synths on the Davey album are
a constant avalanche of millions of little drills. Sounds okay now though,
but I am not wearing headphones. Maybe I should have lent the guy the Gwar
disc after all. I put the CD player away. I couldn't concentrate on
anything for the rest of the afternoon.

If only dentists still used morphine and cocaine on themselves and their
patients, this sort of thing wouldn't happen.

christian

ObPossibleRootCanalCD: Psychic TV - Electric Newspaper. Issue. Three.