HW:(semi) - How to be a Great Prog-Rock Reviewer

[Andrew Apold]

This was passed on to me by a friend who is on a
Mellotron mailing list:

There is kind of a jab (hence the Semi instead of Off)
at Hawkwind in #8.

How to be a Great Prog-Rock Reviewer in 10 Easy Steps
=====================================================

Reviewing progressive rock albums can be simple.  Are you tired of
agonizing over the right words to use?  Confused about your subject
matter?  Or are you just a lazy pig?  Then use the following tips, and
prog rockers everywhere will believe your every word.  Trust me.  Each
tip is followed by an example so you can see exactly how it's done.


(1)In every review, you MUST praise the Mellotron.  Always describe
it using the word "wash".

"Gentile Goyim's keyboardist, Kerry Mayonnaise, treats the loistener
to spectacular, warm washes of everybody's favorite Mellotron."

FOR BONUS POINTS, also mentino the Hammond B-3, and imply violence.

"Greg Palmer's raw, two-fisted  Hammond work pierces the listener's
eardrums with sonic knives."

EXTRA BONUS POINTS if you mention either of these instruments and
they don't actually appear in the music.

"On the road, King Creampuff's keyboard setup consists of grand
piano, harpsichord, and several analog synths, but strangely, no
Mellotron.

(2) Any band that uses cello automatically gets a rave review.  For
bonus points, use the word "haunting."

"As the music fades, a haunting solo cello appears out of nowhere,
accompanied by a trio of Mellotrons, washing away."

Subtract ten points if you compare the music to "Eleanor Rigby."


(2) If the music has flute in it, compare it to Jethro Tull.  It
doesn't matter if the music is really death metal, chanting monks,
or atonal birdsong:  YOU MUST MENTION TULL.  For extra points, mention
Camel too.

"Paraan's msuic features Hyperia Gomez on flute, inviting comparison
to Jethro Tull or Camel, even though the flute's main use is as a
handy mallet to bang several large gongs."

(4) You don't have to bother describing the music.  Just list the
instruments and let the reader imagine the rest.

"From out of New Zealand comes Genghis Ka-Ka, one of the finest prog
bands I've ever heard.  If you are a fan of acoustic guitar, haunting
cello, and explosive, annihilating Hammond B-3, you MUST check out
this album."

(5) Mention the length of at least one song.  Extra points if yuo call
it an "opus."

"Side 2 of the album is completely taken up by 'Ode to Bowser', a
22-minute magnum opus based onthe theme from 'My Dog Has Fleas.'"

(6) Casually mention the name of an extremely obscure band that one
of the musicians used to play in, making your reader feel REALY
stupid or disloyal for not knowing it.

"...featuring Sergio Blammobarpher, whom fans will no doubt recall
as the charismatic ex-triangle player from ubiquitous Icelandic
proggers Hund Extinctski Thirstfollicle."

THE CUNEFORM COROLLARY:  put completely obscure band names in
parentheses for extra poins.

"Rounding out the group's sound is Bridgid Kirsch (Dootwhapper, B'nai
Gwelzh) on freshly washed Mellotron."

(7) The Syn-Phonic Rule:  Praise every album by calling it the "best"
example of a totally contrived category.  Don't forget the exclamation
points.

"Museo Rubenstein, PASTAFAZOOL ($18).  Possibly the ultimate Eskimo
basson band of all time!!!!

(8) If a progressive album features very long, drawn-out incredibly
repetitive, boring instrumentals, call it "Space Music"

"Space Rockers Mimsy Borogoves specialize in atmospheric drones that
last upwards of for hours before switching notes."

(9) Use abreviations known only to seasoned proggers.

"Zyzzyva's music is a thrilling blend of PFM, HTM, RIO, TNR, ZNR and
PDQ Bach."

(10) Every keyboardist/bass/drums trio MUST be compared to ELP.  Every
quiet, symphonic album MUST be compared to PER UN AMICO.  All
raw, loud music MUST be compared to King Crimson's RED.  All
counterpoint MUST be compared to Gentle Giant.  Bonus points if
it sounds nothing like Gentle Giant.  Every "old Genesis style" band
MUST be compared to Marillon, not Genesis.  Every male vocalist with a
high voice MUST be compared to Jon Anderson.  Every female vocalist,
regardless of range or style, MUST be compared to Annie Haslam.  Every
band that uses sudden, unpredictable tempo and time signature changes
MUST be compared to Barry Manilow.

"Angled Guard, Sweden's newest prog sensation, combines the beauty of
PER UN AMICO with the rawness of RED, producing a progressive,
symphonic extravaganze that could only have come from Marillon.  Lead
singers Jon Haslam and Annie Anderson are pictured on teh album cover,
inserting twin flutes up Barry Manilow's nose... taking the
instrument far beyond anything Camel and Tull ever did."


(I think it is by someone named Chris Barrus)


=============================
"To dwell within Samsara, however, is to
 be subject to the works of those mighty
 among dreamers."

 - Mahasamatman, in Zelazny's "Lord of Light"

Andrew Apold