eweekly: geezer rock concerts

[Michaelangelo Blackman]

smeghead
----- Original Message -----
From: Andrew Apold <mordru at FLITE.NET>
To: <BOC-L at LISTSERV.SPC.EDU>
Sent: Tuesday, May 02, 2000 10:17 AM
Subject: eweekly: geezer rock concerts


> Found online at:
>
> http://www.ew.com/ew/daily/0,2514,1321,thisissummerof.html
>
> Broken Hip
> This is the summer of geezer rock concerts. Chris Nashawaty names the
> oldies bands that should cancel the stadium tours and start poppin'
Geritol
> instead
>
> Look, I'm a sucker for classic rock as much as the next guy. In fact, a
few
> weeks back I even wrote a column on why I thought VH1's ''Behind the
> Music'' was the best show on TV, specifically singling out the Lynyrd
> Skynyrd and Mamas and the Papas episodes. Still, that doesn't mean I want
> to see them outside of my living room. As this summer's concert-tour
season
> kicks off, I'm beginning to get a little creeped out by all the grizzled
> dinosaur acts hitting the road. It's almost like an eerie sci-fi movie --
> ''Encore of the Living Dead.''
>
> Don't get me wrong. I'm all for employing the elderly and keeping them
busy
> during their Geritol years. Heck, they earned it. And there actually are a
> few shows I wouldn't mind catching, like Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, and
> the Allman Brothers. But some of these guys just have no shame. And I
won't
> even get into the sheer hypocrisy of rock stars who used to throw around
> slogans like ''Don't trust anyone over 30'' and ''Hope I die before I get
> old.'' Now they're more likely to tell their fans to get the hell off
their
> lawns and leave the directional blinker on their tour buses as they cruise
> at a steady 35 MPH between gigs.
>
> I don't want to seem heartless. I understand that the reason most of these
> rockers are touring is because they probably weren't big rainy-day money
> savers in their heydays. But I'm just worried someone may break a hip at
> one of these shows. So in an effort to get these guys back at the Early
> Bird Specials where they belong, I've compiled a handy ''10 Least Wanted
> Tours Guide'' for this summer. And if you do decide to attend one of these
> shows, remember to really speak up when shouting out song requests.
>
> Styx: Just when you were finally beginning to think that not everything
> sucked in the '70s, here comes Styx futilely trying to prove that cheese
> never goes rotten.
>
> Eric Burdon and the New Animals: Just wondering, but did anyone notice
when
> the 'Old Animals' left?
>
> Blue Oyster Cult: Am I the only one who'd love to see wild man Ted Nugent
> at this show with his bow and arrow?
>
> Jefferson Starship: Their last hit album may have been 1985's ''Knee Deep
> in the Hoopla,'' but they're still knee-deep in something.
>
> Jimmy Buffett: Beneath that Hawaiian shirt resides pure evil, plain and
> simple.
>
> ''Weird Al'' Yankovic: The only way you'll get me is if you get Gallagher
> to smash melons as your opening act.
>
> Night Ranger: The '80s Hair Band of ''Sister Christian'' fame is so
> profoundly lame it doesn't even qualify as 'kitsch.'
>
> Loverboy: Why don't they just team up with Night Ranger and cut the
> collective misery in half?
>
> Modern English: Um, 'Modern' compared to what exactly?
>
> The Village People: The madness must finally end... and remember, only YOU
> can stop it.
>
> =============================
> "To dwell within Samsara, however, is to
>  be subject to the works of those mighty
>  among dreamers."
>
>  - Mahasamatman, in Zelazny's "Lord of Light"
>
> Andrew Apold
>