.title Match Game 1863
.fg 20
.c;^&Match Game 1863\&
.s
.c;Michael Sterner
.nmpg 1
.page
.;
.lm 8.p -8.at
Announcer: And now it's time for Match Game 1863! With our special
 celebrities. First, straight in from Bull Run, the man who swept 
 General Pope from the battlefield, Stonewall Jackson ! Now,
 the woman who's cakes are known throughout the Congress, Dolly
 Madison ! This next celebrity used to be on the TV show with the
 late, lamented Bob Crane, that merry jokester from England, Richard
 Dawson! And of course, everybody's favorite naval lunatic,
 Admiral Farragut
Farragut: Damn the torpedoes
Announcer: And here's your host, Gene Rayburn (Gene comes out, does 
 funny things with the microphone. Lots of exclamation from the
 celebrities -- whoa, whoa!, etc)
Gene: Hi stars!
Stars: Hi Gene! (more mugging from celebrities)
Gene: As you can see, we've got a whole galaxy of stars on the
 show today! Seriously, how you all doing? (Celebrities ad lib, ad
 nauseum)
Jackson: May I just mention, Gene, that I'll be appearing at Harper's
 Ferry later this week, and then I have an exclusive engagement with
 General McClellan at Antietam Creek the week after. My opening act
 will be Robert E Lee, and his all star troop movements.
Gene: Is that anything like all star bowel movements? (everybody goes
 "aah" in disgust.)
Farragut: What the hell?
Gene: Well, let's get on with the show. Our first contestant is Mr.
 Crispus Attucks, from Scranton, Rhodesia.
Crispus: Hi, Gene.
Gene: Hey, Crispus, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Crispus: Well, Gene, at age 11, I had become unhappy with the 
 differences I observed between slavery and freedom.
Gene: And what were those?
Crispus: I think it's obvious Gene. Free folk get to walk around.
Gene: Crispus! I remember now! Weren't you the first man killed in
 the Revolutionary War?
Crispus: The Boston Massacre, yes. (applause)
Gene: It's nice having you on the show, Crispus. Our returning
 champion is Mrs. Edith Waterhouse of Scranton, Delaware. What
 do you do in your spare time, Mrs. W?
Mrs W: I send in letters to quiz shows.
Gene: Well that's not very interesting, Mrs. W (laughter). So, let's
 get on with the game. Now, Mrs. W., you have first choice; question
 A or question B?
Mrs. W: Question A.
Gene: OK. General Sherman said, "The reason I destroyed Atlanta is
 because it really blanked me up." (Scenario as follows: Celebrities
 write, contestants think... Gene always rereads question. OK?)
Mrs. W. Um, uh, um...
Gene: Time's almost up. (rereads)
Mrs. W: Burned!
Gene: Burned. Good answer. Now, Stonewall. (rereads, with appropriate
 answer.)
Stonewall: Let's bring out the heavy artillery, Gene, I put burned.
 (applause)
Gene: (some adlibbing) That's right, now Dolly Madison.
Dolly: I put burned.
Gene: Good. Richard?
Richard: Banged. (big laugh) No, just kidding. I put buns. (an even
 biffer laugh.) No, just kidding. I put burned.
Gene: That answer really burned my buns, Richard! (applause) Admiral
 Farragut?
Farragut: I've got a really good answer and I think it's a match,
 Gene. I put, Damn the Torpedoes! (audience laughs 'aaah') What
 the hell is wrong?
Gene: I'm sorry Admiral, that's not the right answer. We were looking
 for burned.
Farragut: Damn.
Gene: Well, that's three matches for Mrs. Waterhouse. Now Crispus,
 it's your turn. Question B. Dolly Madison has the best blanks in
 the 13 colonies. (big audience and celebrity response; Dolly 
 blushes accordingly)
Crispus: Well, I think bread, Gene. (oohs of disappointment)
Gene: Are you sure, Crispus?  (Crispus looks at the audience; one
 person applauds)
Crispus: Yes, Gene.
Gene: OK. Stonewall?
Stonewall: Now everybody knows that Dolly Madison is the best hostess
 in town so I said cupcakes. (Buzzer sound)
Gene: No, I'm sorry Stonewall, that's incorrect. Now, Dolley?
 (howls of lust from the celebrities)
Dolly: Frankly, I'm quite proud of my pasties! No, I mean pastries.
Celebrities: Hi-yo! (Buzzer sound)
Gene: Well, you're not doing very well, Crispus
Crispus: Well, hell, Gene, I been daid since 1770. (big applause)
Gene: You're a real trooper, Crispus. Now, Richard?
Richard: (doing Stan Laurel imitation) Well, Gene (starts crying)
Gene: Come on Richard (rereads question)
Richard: I put buns
Gene: Judges? (Ding Ding!)
Gene: OK, that's a match, Crispus. Now, Admiral Farragut?
Farragut: I think I have an idea now of how this game is played, Gene...
 I put Damn Torpedoes!
Gene: No, Admiral, I'm afraid that's not the right answer.
Admiral: Can we get a judge's ... (Buzzer, really loud)
Farragut: Damn!
Gene: OK, now round two. When Abraham Lincoln wrote his famous "Fourscore
 and Seven Years Ago speech," he wrote it on an envelope and had it
 sent to his Gettysburg blank. Mrs. Waterhouse? (Scenario: same as
 before)
Mrs. Waterhouse: Address!
Gene: Okay. You have just one celebrity left to match, Admiral (pause)
 Farragut. (oohs from the audience)
Farragut: Oh, this is an easy one, Gene. I think I've finally got the
 hang of it. (rereads the question) had it sent to his Gettysburg (big
 pause, with a smile on his face) ... Goddamn the torpedoes!
.p0
Buzzer, with loud boos from the audience.
.p-8
Farragut: Goddamn the fucking torpedoes ! (even louder boos)
Gene: Sort of expected that, Admiral. Now, Crispus, your question: Harriet
 Beecher Stowe wrote the famous book, Uncle Tom's blank.
Crispus: Ah, I believe Gene, that the answer is Cabin.
Gene: Good answer. Stonewall?
Stonewall: I said Cabin. (applause)
Gene: Now, Dolley (rereads question, looks at Dolley's card) Penis!
.p0
Buzzer. The celebrities and audience hoot with mirth. Hi-yo! etc.
.p-8
Gene: Well, that is the game. Mrs. Waterhouse is the winner again!
Farragut: Wait a minute! I've got the correct answer. Damn the cabin!
 (eight or nine buzzers)
Gene: I'm sorry we're all out of time, Mrs. Waterhouse, but come back
 tomorrow for the big Celebrity Match. Good night from Match Game
 1863!
Farragut: (now completely berserk) Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead! etc.