.title Celebrity Sharkfighting
.fg 20
.c;^&Celebrity Sharkfighting\&
.s
.c;Michael A. Sterner
.nmpg 1
.page
.;
.lm 8.p -8.at
Bill: Hello, Good day, and welcome to another edition of ^&Celebrity
 Sharkfighting!!!\& I'm your host, Bill Bery, and we've got a whole
 tank full of ravenous great-whites. They haven't eaten in eighteen
 hours and right now they'd even snap at a raw deal. Bon Apetit.
 As you know, the object of the game is for the special celebrity guest
 to answer a question chosen from the thousands sent in by you viewers
 every day. If he or she gets it right, then the celebrity must simply
 answer all the other questions, then we go on to round two, where the
 celebrity must jump into the shark tank and recover the lucky treasure
 clam which houses yet another bonus question, after which we go on
 to round three. And now, we'd like to bring out our first celebrity,
 Richard Simmons.
RS: Hello girls! Come on everybody, push! Push ! You're not trying
 (generous improvisation) My name is Richard Simmons and I'm glad
 to be here. YRU Fatt?
Bill: Good afternoon, Richard.
RS: Hello Bill! You look marvelous! All right, everybody, wrists
 out! (sings Funky Town)
Bill: Richard, Richard!
RS: Now remember, gang, heart disease is the nation's number one
 killer and the major cause of neuromuscular problems is the
 comsumption of red meat. So now eat more veggies, and if you
 must eat meat, stick to things like chicken, fowl, and any
 type of seafood.
Bill: Richard, I'm sorry, but it's time for your first question,
 sent in by one of our viewers. Are you ready?
RS: OK ! (Simmons is really motivated)
Bill: This question was sent in by Mrs. Edith Waterhouse of Scranton,
 New Jersey (actually, Scranton is in PA) and it is: "What is
 my favorite Broadway musical?"
RS: ^&Sugar Babies\&! Oops! (hands over mouth, mugs to camera.)
Bill: I'm sorry, Richard, but the correct answer is ^&Guys and
 Dolls\&. Into the tank with you. (Simmons is pushed into the tank)
RS: Come on sharks, Push! You're not trying! Aargh! (he disappears)
Bill: Let's have a big hand for Richard Simmons!
 What a trouper! (applause) Our next celebrity is a cartoonist and
 local scene maker, let's bring him out, Howard Salmon. Hello, how 
 are you, Howard? Are you scared?
Howie: Ah, you guys didn't tell me this. Are those sharks real?
Bill: Of course they're real, Howard. These are bona fide great white
 sharks donated by Sea World. These are the most voracious sharks
 known to man, known to eat a hundred times their own weight every
 day.
Howie: I think I'm going to leave.
Bill: (Frances grabs Salmon, pinning his arms back) Look, Howard, if
 you're going to be difficult, we're not even going to ask you the
 question. Frances ...? (Frances throws Salmon in, loud screams
 of mortal terror, then silence)
 Good show, Howard! Howard's question, sent in by Mrs. E-dith Waterhouse,
 was "How many inches in a foot?" Good question, Mrs. Waterhouse, and
 of course you'll be receiving the home version of our game, non-celebrity
 shark fighting, which includes instructions on how to build your own
 shark tank, a case of Morton's iodized salt for that realisitic seawater
 effect, and of course, two live sharks (very quickly). And now, on to
 round three, and our third celebrity guest, who just completed a new
 film called "Sharkey's Machine," here he is, Mr. Macho-at-the-box,
 Burt Reynolds!!!
Burt: Hi, how's it goin' Bill? (winks and clicks tongue)
Bill: Great. Are you ready for your question, Burt?
Burt: Shoot. (gestures)
Bill: Okay, Burt. And this one was sent in by a Mrs. E. Dithwa Terhouse,
 and she asks ....
 Oh, ho. that's exactly right, Burt. Now all you have to do is answer
 all the other questions and you'll be on your way to round two. Our
 next question was sent in by Mrs. EED...
Burt: No, that's all right. I wanna
Bill: No, Burt, you don't have to go in. You got the question right.
Burt: I want to go in the tank... and I'm gonna take her with me ...
 (he grabs Frances)
Bill: Burt, you big kidder. Ho Ho Ho....
Burt: (Burt takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves and dives 
 in. The sharks are caught off guard by this and swim quickly into
 the opposite corner where they huddle like scared sharks.) What the
 hell is wrong with these sharks, Bill? C'mon! Awww, C'mon. Wait
 a minute. Give me that knife. (Burt takes the knife and cuts a huge
 slit in his forearm and wrist) (whistles) Here boys. (He waves
 his bloodied arm in the water. One of the sharks edges up cautiously.
 Burt kills it with a sudden blow to the fin. The other three 
 remaining sharks huddle even closer) I'm sorry I have to do this boys.
Bill: Look at him Go!
Burt: (Burt rushes them and they fight bravely. Burt goes under, comes
 back up holding a large, bloodied bone) Whoops! heheheheheheheheh
 (He goes down for the last time)
Bill: Well, that's about all we've got time for this week, folks, but
 be sure and join us next week when our special celebrity guests will
 be Gavin MacLeod, Wayne Rogers, and Charo ! Goodnight !